Last night we had Amy’s 20th and had a bbq and drinks. Drinks started with midori/lemonade then punch (3/4 alcohol, 1/4 juice-it had a bite lol) and then back to the midori/lemonade. It ended with us belting our lungs out on Sing Star. We had a blast Anyone that could hear us would now be deaf, though. The guys said we sounded like cats being struck by lightning, lmao!

Me and Candice. She did her hair like this for Sensation

All smiles

Ahoy! I’ve been offline for the past few days but I come bearing lots of photos Sensation was good fun but the majority of the Melbourne trip had so many fuck ups that we were all glad to be back home in Adelaide. I can’t be bothered going into it all but here are some photos of me, Bernie and the event. 36,000 people attended. The stadium holds 40,000. It’s image heavy and the full set can be seen at my Facebook.

Drunk looking a little too serious

Whoring it up. I love the lighting in this photo

My hair. It never usually holds curl but the half of can of hair spray I put in it that night changed that

An example of the lighting. They used a lot of green

Purple lighting-loved this!

lol trying to get me and the lighting in the same shot

Me and my baby. Strangely she’s drunk and I’m sober lol

An awesome light display/set they did. It was Kylie Minogue remixed for the music

Another cool shot of me and lighting

Trying to get my eyemake up

I like this photo of us

Another attempt at getting my eye makeup

An example of the lighting

I love this shot

As above

It looked good when the room lit up bright white

Scenery shot

Wicked shot

As above

Scenery shot of the main dance floor

As above

Part 1-2008: Loss & Love can be read here.

2008 gave me some great life changing experiences to be thankful for. I learned a lot about myself and life this past year and I have never felt stronger or more sure of myself.

In order of events:

Coming Out:
I came out to my family & friends at the beginning of the year. They were all accepting I feel very lucky because I know what some parents, relatives and friends can be like. It took me years to get to this point, I am so glad, relieved and over the moon to finally be out, proud and happy.

Remembering why I love my friends:
This one is for Candice back in May. You know what it is. I wouldn’t know what to do without you. <3

Coming Out at Work for the 1st time-with a positive response:
I had three different jobs this past year. The second one was back in April and I was asked out by a male co-worker. I didn’t have the balls to tell him I’m gay so I said I was already seeing someone. He was still embarrassed, though, lol In June I was at my most recent job and Janelle was trying to make conversation, asked me if I had a boyfriend, and not missing a beat I blurted out that I don’t date guys lol This told me I was comfortable with workers knowing my sexuality. People spreading news came in handy for the first time and the work was done for me-everyone knew. They were all accepting but I think that the head chef being a major dyke made it easier for me. Her and I didn’t bond though, she needed a personality transplant lol I was even able to discuss which celebrities I thought were hot with some of the guys and they were mature about it as well. One of the chefs, 23, he was a wanker about it at times (talking about hot lesbians) - he is the male that loves platinum, oven baked, rock hard round implanted lesbians… ie-what you see on bad porn. Eew!

Mr. B:
Mr. B… *swoons* Mr. B is Bernie, my baby that I’ve been with for 5 months. Why Mr.? She is uber butch so didn’t like being called ‘miss’ LOL I have never met someone that touches me the way she does (emotionally you perverts! ;)), makes me want to be the best I can, motivates me, inspires me, as she does. Meeting her and being by her side has changed my life for the better. I have learned and grown a lot with her, even in just 5 months. We share the same views and morals in life and I adore her. I couldn’t ask for a better girl. She is so caring, loving, understanding, funny, supportive and passionate in her interests and life. She doesn’t cook much which is good because I’m fucking hopeless at it so we’re at equal playing grounds LOL Though she does like to try and keep me out of the kitchen because I’m so clumsy and tend to break anything in my path LOL

Note: This is a reflective entry of 2008 but of the crappy parts of it. I’m dividing the good & bad into two entries because I write so much lol It talks about suicide so if that is triggering for you please skip this entry. This entry isn’t a pitty party so please kindly fuck off if that’s your opinion. Otherwise on with the entry.

2008: Loss & Love

Edit: (Part 2: 2008: Happiness on a stick - and in a can)

I don’t normally post private entries here, they’re almost always reserved for my LJ, but I’m really in need of some extra ears of support or input with a few things.

In order of events:

Friendships: This one is a no brainer-Riikka. It has been 2 months since it all happened. She hasn’t contacted me once-and I’m glad. Is it weird that I’m still surprised that she was so easily willing to let go of a good friendship for a few extra bucks? How fucking pathetic she is. What a moron. I can’t remember the last time I checked her public blog but at the time she was only updating her LJ-what a gutless bitch-she hates LJ. No doubt all of her fan site friends are bathing in ‘her version’ of what went down but I honestly couldn’t give a fuck. They can believe what they wanna and if it helps Riikka to lie to them or herself, then good for her. I do wonder though if Mikaela knows that Jessica Stroup.Net is one of her profit sites, though? Seen as she owns Introducing Jessica Stroup and all. Wait for that to get a new owner soon, people. Ca-ching! Don’t you think Olga Kurylenko is hot?

Death: Death is looking at me from every direction atm and I don’t understand what I’m feeling or what to do with it.

{Short history about my Dad: I haven’t spoken to him in 7 years because he is a useless alcoholic father and a manipulative ‘poor me’ man that blames you for all the wrongs in his life. I made peace with this many, many years ago and was ok with him not being in my life, nor wanting him to be. I have seen him numerous times since 2001 but always walk out of his way so I don’t have to talk to him.}

For the past few years I have been emailing and talking on the phone to one of his brothers, Wally-who lives in America, the only sibling of his that has ever made an effort to be in my life. I found out a few months back that the reason for this was because they knew what heartache my Dad put us through and didn’t want to remind us of him. Call me a bitch here but shouldn’t that be my decision? Anyway, me and Wally got along well. A few months back out of no where mum came out into the unit and said she had news. From the look on my face I immediately thought my Dad had died but it was Wally-he’d committed suicide. I was shocked to say the least. For the first few months I felt I dealt with it ok but it was upon forming a bond with one of his daughters after his death that I realised how much his death did and still does affect me. (I only started talking to Micah after his death because I had previously tried contacting her but didn’t get a reply to the email so thought she didn’t want to know me-she’d changed her email addy lol)

His death has made me realise how much emotion over my Dad I had not felt in many years still existed so close to the surface. It has made me feel like I have lost a piece of my Dad in Wally’s death. I need to make a point that I never looked to Wally as a surrogate father. I have that in my step dad. But he did have a fatherly warmth in his personality. I was lucky enough to meet him once way back in 2001. I still remember it like it was yesterday.

Wally lived in Alaska and Micah was visiting him from Washington. All I know is that she was there and alerted family. I don’t know if he did it after she arrived, if she found him, how he did it or if a note was left. I want to know all of the answers to these things. I don’t want to know the answers to all of these things. I have not asked Micah out of respect.

I am angry and confused. Why did he suicide? I did not even know he was depressed. Granted one of his sisters has suicided and one of his nephews attempted but there were no signs at all. I know that in some cases there are not signs but he just seemed so happy. He was even writing a biography on his life. I have often wondered if that had anything to do with it.

I am angry that he did what he did. He didn’t bond well with his eldest and youngest children but he spoke so highly of Micah. They spoke on the phone everyday. I do know what it feels like to want to kill yourself, I have been there a few times myself. But I know what impact it has on the people around you. I also know that while the days may be dark, light can be found with hard work-even if only tiny amounts.

I feel such a deep connection with Micah through all of this and cannot wait to meet her next August.

My Dad-I have seen him once since learning of Wally’s death but didn’t tell him about it. When one of their sister called me to inform me of Wally’s passing she asked if I have contact details for Dad. I don’t. After seeing him that time I decided I would tell him if I saw him again for Micah. I do think it was also partly for me, though, even if I don’t like admitting it. So anyway, I saw Dad on xmas eve, two days ago. He was sitting on a bench asleep, as he usually is when I see him, outside a supermarket. I decided I would write him a note, put it in his pocket, tap him on the shoulder and walk off. Once I walked over to him it happened differently, though.

I said, ‘oy’, but he didn’t hear me. I tapped his leg with my foot and he slowly looked up at me. He looked awful and the disbelief on his face was clear to see. He stared at me for a while and looked me up and down, probably double checking he was actually looking right at me. I said, ‘did you know that Wally has passed away? … Suicide.’ I passed him the note and he briefly looked at it in disbelief and then back at me-he didn’t know. He then pointed on the space on the bench next to him and told me (politely) to sit down. I said, ‘no, I’m shopping’ and up until this point I was calm (which I didn’t expect to be). He reached out his hand to mine, our fingers touching gently, and somewhere along here he asked me to sit down again. I flinched and immediately pulled my hand away. I could also smell alcohol on his breath by now. It was about 4:30pm. I told him he needed to get some water, that he looked dehydrated, I wouldn’t site down and walked off. I didn’t look back. I didn’t need another of his guilt trips, esp a drunken one.

My hands wouldn’t stop shaking for 15 mins. He looked awful. He was sleeping with his mouth open and it was high 20’s c so had a white film on his lips. The white in his eyes were yellow from years of alcoholism. He’d never had this in the past. His eyes were hazy. His hair was uncut and messy. The one positive was being as drunk as he was he wasn’t able to give me the famous ‘poor me’ look he loves giving.

I still can’t get my head around the fact that he will be dead soon. I have always treated his eventual inevitable death as- I will deal with it when I have to. I have to now. It stared me in the face. It looked right through me. I will never get that image out of my mind. We look very alike so it was like looking in the mirror of what would happen if life is spent running from your problems and finding someone else to blame for them. I wrote the date and where I saw him on the note I gave to him so that hopefully when he woke up the next day and cleaned his clothes he would see it as no doubt he’d of forgotten he’d seen me. That’s provided the note got home with him.

When he does pass I will find out from a stranger or a hospital, if he winds up there. A few years ago one night I got a call from a stranger saying that he’d found him passed out in a gutter. He always carries around a note book with contact details in it, the guy who found him got my number from this. At the time I was angry I had to be made aware of this. It’s okay for him to not make an effort with us yet we have to deal with his sloppy excuse for a life? I don’t fucking think so. I don’t have his number, I don’t want it. In the last 7 years he has tried to contact me I’d say about 5 times. He assumingly gave up after I went off at him when he came around my house drunk calling me and my mum sluts. I’m guessing he remembered that the next day.

I do love my Dad, I do, but I don’t like him. Some people just shouldn’t be parents, it’s that simple. You’re not allowed to have a job that you’re inexperienced for yet we’re free to bring a life into the world and claim no responsibility over it if we don’t feel like it, regardless what life changing effects it will have on that child/ren. That seems pretty fucked up to me.

My Grandma (mum’s mum) is on her last leg atm. She has cancer in the liver and lungs and has altziemer’s. She’s about 84 I think. My step-grandma (step dad’s mum) will die in the next 6 months. She is 92 and just had a fall that broke her hip, elbow and shoulder. She was able to have her hip operated on but not the elbow or shoulder. She is on morphine and I assume a ton of other pain drugs. The surgeon said there was a 25-30% chance she wouldn’t make it through surgery-thankfully she did. But he also said people in this situation at her age usually die within 6months of the incident.

It’s all just a little bit too much at once, you know?

Despite everything that is happening atm, though, I am still feeling quite happy and I have been lucky enough to experience some amazing highs this past year, including my amazing, super-fanastic girl whom I have been with for 5 months now. She rocks my world <3 Read part 2 of ‘2008′ for all of the happy stuff Aiiiiii!

I had a nice day today, it was very relaxing. Quite warm, too. 28c 0_o It was too muggy, though.

Bernie spoilt me and bought me a P!nk ticket for her Funhouse Tour next year-I was over the moon with this. And Army Wives - Season 1 on DVD.

Which brings me onto my news: This Sunday is my last day where I work and also, Hospitality. I went into it to get away from retail (did it for 10 years) but it didn’t turn out to be what I want and the trading hours fucking suck. The girls in this industry are also MUCH bitchier than in retail-something I never thought possible 0_o

Things I won’t miss from Hospitality (I worked in Bistro & Bar):
- Split Shifts (12-2pm / 6-9pm)
- Cleaning cuttlery
- Pretending I give a fuck when whiny arse customers complain about their meal
- Being exhausted all of the time (no regular sleep pattern).

I will miss a few things, though:
- As much free Raspberry (fizzy drink/soda) as I want. I’m addicted to it.
- Knock off drinks

In the new year I will go into Admin work and take up some study.

Can you believe christmas is just around the corner?! Fuck me. I’m gonna finish my shopping on Monday.

I’ve finally got my scanner/printer back from the repairers *hugs it* The scanner is awesome and I have SO many magazines to scan. Angie is on a few covers atm and I also need to sort and scan my Mariska stuff. *squee*

I’m about to work on my ‘2008 Favourites’ meme that is going around. I do always love a good pic spam *nods* You should all do one as well!

EDIT: A new layout is up, as well. Nice and summery. In Aussie land it’s nice and sunny on xmas day. *loves summer*

Finally got around to completing 99% of my DVD Collection.

It’s broken into TV Box Sets, People I collect on (Angelina Jolie, Mariska Hargitay, Drew Barrymore, Rachel Weisz, Julianna Margulies, Eva Mendes and Jayne Mansfield) and Random Titles not belonging to any category. Oh, and what I am missing from each set.

I was surprised to see that out of the 34 Angelina films that have been released to DVD, I am only missing 8! Sweet!

Mariska has done A LOT of TV work so it’s gonna take a while to track down all of those but I have made a nice dent so far into her collection. I’m buying what I can find but am more focused on collecting her major magazine articles right now. 7 seasons of SVU to cap ought to keep me busy for a while… 0_o

Drew’s list on IMDB has been updated quite a bit since my last visit. A lot of TV episodes have been added and a lot of voice acting films need to be found. But major films I don’t have many to get.

Rachel… I have been very, very slack in this collection the past few years. A few of my movies are burned (poor quality as well) so I need to get around to replacing them and I just haven’t been feeling her movies lately. She is still my #1 actress but for the love of god, choose some decent fucking roles, woman!

I am about halfway through Julianna’s collection which I’m quite happy about.

Eva I have just started collecting on so I haven’t got too many. Like Mariska I am focusing on collecting magazine clippings atm.

And Jayney, I have a grand total of two, LMAO!!! Indeed. Just started this collection. I haven’t watched Promises! Promises! yet, but I can assure you that you will know once I have

Clippings wise, holy fucking shit, I have a well over 200 full sized pages to sort out from Mariska, Eva, Julianna and Charize to sort out. Fuck! I’ve been collecting for a while now but haven’t had time to sit down and file them all.

I rarely read fics over at fanfiction.net but I decided to browse for a/o last night and came across one that was written in October 2004. I also decided to read the reviews and was highly amused at some of the attitudes. This fic was nice romantic fluff. The most ‘erotic’ thing that happened was loving kisses on the lips (no tongue) and them watching each other sleep. Check out the responses:

“i opened this submution thinking it was a scene writin for a normal episode and find this demented ** up view of alex an olivia. all i have to say to the writer is that he/she is one twisted ** up son of a **. thank you VERY MUCH for destroing my view of oliva(my fav character) and view of alex (my sisters). ill never be able to watch them with out seeing mental pictures again.”

“Wow. You have a perverted and crazy mind. But I do see where you are coming from. In my opinion, they could both pass as lesbians. The story was funny yet disgusting at the same time. I will never look at them the sme way the next time I watch the show.”

LMAO!!! Um, wow… Fuck me, how I wish I had their emails to send them some good kinky a/o fics ;D

0_o… Luckiest girl alive? Ok, I’m jealous.

Miley Cyrus
Katy Perry
Victoria Beckham